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the side walls sucked + I needed that

of all the tough spots on this huge undertaking this part was the hardest. not necessarily because of what I had to do, which was a challenge, but more because of the mental state I was in. when it came time to put up the side walls of our loft bedroom I struggled to get through it because I was just so over this whole thing.

I was mentally drained from continually figuring out how to complete the tasks in front of me, I was so freakin' tired of climbing up the ladder 500 times a day, I was sick of looking at every tool we owned living in our bedroom and my body ached from working in a tiny little space where I couldn't stand up fully. plus, there was a tiny little voice inside of my head that kept suggesting that this project would never end and I'd be working on the loft until next winter...not motivating.

[above: I removed the old side walls to replace with new so that the walls would be plumb, square and cohesive looking with the headboard ledge wall. framing up with an angled ceiling was a learning curve with lots of brain powered required.]

spoiler alert, I powered through and rocked it out, but this was not all rainbow and butterflies. truthfully, not a lot of this loft project was the instagram style diy I'm so used to seeing, where its sunny in the background all the time and the project gets done in 27 seconds. that's false advertising and I'm not here for that.

I'm not complaining about the project I chose to do, I'm being honest. this project took way, way longer than I anticipated and there were lots of parts that sucked...AND these were the exact things that I needed to experience to remind me how awesome I already am.

I started this loft ledge wall headboard project with a specific mindset to prove something to myself. each time there was something challenging, I had to decide how I was going to respond. most days it was fairly easy to push the doubting self talk aside and keep moving forward. while other days a challenging task could expand into hours of second guessing, procrastination and overthinking.

here on the side walls I was so close to being done yet still needing to stay focused so I could keep choosing the healthiest and most accurate-effective build options. at times I wondered why I take on such massive [for me] projects, why don't I find a simpler way? at first this was coming through with a negative, irritated tone and as I sat with it I realized that would be settling for me.

by giving space to my thoughts, the kinder, more compassionate voice came through and reminded me that I had a very specific vision in my head for what I wanted this loft to look like. this kinder side also reminded me that I'm a full grown, smart, skilled, competent woman capable of doing whatever I want...even when its hard and even when I'm doing things a little differently than what the majority would do. learning on the fly, for me, seems to be packaged tightly with this kinda back and forth self talk.

I was reminded that settling is a choice based in fear and I'm no scaredy cat. settling is also not going to build a beautiful life. there's nothing more I want than a beautiful life, filled with both the smiles and struggles and stories of how I overcame, how grateful I am and what I've learned.

a beautiful life is the cool, calm, collected vibes...the knowing, that can only be obtained by deliberately choosing to work through some hard things.

so yeah, building the side walls had some sucky spots and I'd absolutely do it again. when I lay in bed at night I am that much more proud of myself because of this not being super easy. some people run marathons, or maybe raise kiddos, for a challenge that has a major reward-retrun-benefit. I guess my version of that is bringing my wild ideas into reality and then sharing them with others.


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